1. Wild turkey won’t stop crossing the road
Traffic schmaffic – a wild turkey keeps crossing the road in New Jersey. He’s from Jersey, so fuggheddaboudit. The cranky bird (you’d be cranky too if there was a holiday dedicated to eating you) torments drivers and pedestrians during busy commute times. Public officials have tried and failed numerous times to catch him, but the feathered thug just laughed, maybe gobbled, when shot with a tranquilizer dart. That was also the day he charged a woman who stopped to admire him. His fowl behavior’s gained him celeb status and several nicknames – Turkules, Cluck Norris, Gobbles McFeathers, Wingston, and a gaggle more. Residents say seeing this A-list butterballer terrorizing the roadway is as exciting as seeing Taylor Swift.
2. Birdzillas’ reign of terror in Pittsburgh
Up the road, on the mean streets of Pittsburgh – OK, the streets aren’t mean – but the turkeys are. When Benjamin Franklin called Bald Eagles birds of bad moral character compared to the much more respectable turkeys, he obviously hadn’t met any. Neighbors say a gang of young turks block traffic, attack postal carriers, and chase little kids. They’ve got no fear, just scat and attitude. Experts have suggested the traumatized neighbors stand their ground and wave their arms showing they are bigger than the punk turkeys and therefore dominant, or present them pics of Thanksgiving dinner, explaining the whole food chain thing (yeah, we made that up), or Stop. Feeding. Them.
3. Frozen turkey, crushed toe, lawsuit, no gravy
A The bigger they are the heavier they Butterfall. A New York woman sued ShopRite after a 23-pound frozen bird fell on her foot, smashing her toe. She says the big bird dropped as she was reaching for a smaller one and claims RiteAid caused Shady Brook harms by overstuffing the turkey bin and not supervising. Her court filings state that her foot bled and no one, not Tom, Dick, or Harry and David were around to help. According to her they just wanted to talk turkey, well selling them. No one takes Pilgrim’s Pride in their job these days. Maybe, but that didn’t stop an appeals court from dismissing it.
4. Turkey burger explosion and lawsuit fallout
No burger alarms sounded when a Pennsylvania woman preheated her skillet to fry her frozen turkey patties. But she says, despite following instructions, the burgers exploded while cooking, burning her hands and forearms. Once the smoke cleared, she took the Aldi grocery store chain to food court, claiming they were negligent for not requiring burn-risk warnings on the packaging. Not to display fried and prejudice here, but experts say it’s best to defrost meat before you fry it. The burgers likely exploded because of large ice crystals that formed inside, causing hot oil to splash. Aldi settled with the woman, but terms are undisclosed.
5. Pardon, but what’s the deal with turkey pardons
American Presidents have received turkeys as gifts since the 1870s, though the official turkey presentation didn’t begin until 1947. While other presidents spared official birds, Ronald Reagan, marching to the beat of a different drumstick, was the first to issue a poultry pardon, sending it to a petting venue instead of a menu. President George H.W. Bush cemented the ceremonial pardon and now presidents pardon one of two prized turkeys every year. An online pool decides the winner. The turkeys prep their whole lives for this moment, enduring conditioning to bright lights and lot of commotion. But don’t stress, no “hunger games” await the loser. Both birds – Liberty and Bell this year – go into well-fed retirement.