1. Supreme Court House Rock: Conjunction Function
SCOTUS kicked off its 2023 term schoolhouse rocking the question, conjunction, junction, what’s your function? “And’s”function in 2018’s First Step Act could alter prison sentences. FSA aims to exclude some nonviolent drug offenders from mandatory minimum sentences. Using a point system, it says eligibility hinges on not having A. more than four criminal history points, B. a prior three-point offense, and C. a prior two-point offense. One convict argues that since he doesn’t have A, B, and C he’s eligible. But (conjunction) the government insists it’s A, B, or C. Critics say by that definition – the purpose of the law – ending mandatory minimum sentences – is lost. (verb)
2. Not Magical: Disney Sued Over Waterslide Wedgie
That 214-foot waterslide at Disney’s Florida Typhoon Lagoon? Don’t. Do. It. The House of Mouse is being sued after a woman learned the very difficult lesson that what goes down during a near-vertical 5-story drop would cause her bathing suit to go way, way, way up. The woman claims she suffered an “injurious” wedgie after taking the plunge, despite adopting the crossed-ankles position, as instructed. But she caught air toward the end and the impact violently forced water and her swimsuit into nether nether land. She contends the park Gooofyed in not providing protective shorts and wants $50K.
3. Little Lambs Had Mary Jane, 600 Lbs Of It
When Storm Daniel swept through Thessaly, Greece it flooded much of the grazing grounds for sheep. One flock, lambushed by flood waters, headed for “high” ground. They took refuge in a green house and had a super bowl party of sorts. The sheep fleeced the joint, consuming nearly 600 pounds of marijuana. But they couldn’t pull the wool over their herder’s eyes. After watching them act, like, super uncool – running around in a frenzy and jumping extremely high – he took them to a vet who confirmed the stoned-cold truth – the sheep, like their weird jumps, were really high. Greece legalized medical marijuana in 2017 – for humans.
4. Mcdonald’s, Wendy’s Fend Off Big Mac Attack
Anyone else got the munchies? A Brooklyn man failed to drive thru his lawsuit against McDonald’s and Wendy’s claiming deceptive advertising. A U.S. district judge offered a frosty decision, saying he found no McProof either chain delivered smaller burgers than advertised or that the plaintiff had even seen the advertisements. McBurn. The man offered testimony from a food stylist who worked for both restaurants and used less-shrunken, undercooked patties in pictures. He also contended Wendy’s and McDonalds showed McDouble the toppings than provided. The judge deep-fried that claim too, saying there’s no hamburglar. All companies use visually-appealing images to sell their products. Up next, Taco Bell’s alleged shrink-Crunchwraps.
5. Cand We Have Somoa Money? GS Cookie Price Hike
Seriously, no one else is hungry? Prepare not to be Caramel deLited this Girl Scout cookie season. Not even the sweetest treats are safe from the bitter taste of inflation. Rising costs of ingredients mean it takes more dough to make dough. Girl Scouts say they gotta do what they gotta do-si-do, which is charge a thin mint. Local councils set prices, so not every area will automatically pay s’more. But many areas can expect see $5-per-box crumble in flavor of a new $6 price tagalong. Prices have been creeping up since 2014 when a box cost $4. Thanks-A-Lot inflation.